Best Jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2004

Because it’s Friday afternoon and we could all use a giggle… :wink:

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died… Dido must be sh*tting herself.
- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child … well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, “Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?” I said, “All right, but we’re not going to get much done.”
- Jimmy Carr at the ICC

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
- Jimmy Carr at the ICC

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She’ll go: “What’s my favourite flower?” And you murmur to yourself: “Sh*t, I wasn’t listening … Self-raising?”
- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was “Shout For Help”.
- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it’s wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they’re enjoying it as well.
- Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: “I’d like a job please”. The hardware store owner says: “We don’t hire dogs, why don’t you go join the circus?” The dog replies: “What would the circus want with a plumber”.
- Steven Alan Green at C34

Hey – you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud “I’ve already got one!”
- Norman Lovett at The Stand

It’s easy to distract fat people. It’s a piece of cake.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation – but I’m not very good at it.
- Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that.
- Milton Jones at the Underbelly

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: “This door is alarmed.” I said to myself: “How do you think I feel?”
- Arnold Brown at The Stand

4 responses to “Best Jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2004

  1. i dont usually read jokes, but these were cool. nice way to end the day.

  2. DAVID TOMLINSON

    Thank you. Enjoyed. Was pissed off with Christmas commerce – decided to make my own crackers with GOOD jokes – got some from you. Thanks again.

  3. willy wibbet

    im from edinburgh & i thought you could have come up with better those were pathetic

  4. Willy: I didn’t make up those jokes, you mong! ;)

    They were compiled by the show organisers after the festival, so take your gripe up with them!

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Oh hello there!

I'm VĂ©ro - a crafty, knitty, spinny gal who enjoys making (and drinking) a cocktail or three. If you've stumbled here, you might enjoy browsing some of my older posts with the tags over to the right or finding out more about me.

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