Funny Google Searches #9: The Jaded B*tch Edition

Every so often, I trawl through my blog’s search logs to find out what topics have ignited the interest of readers. There’s the top content, the usual search terms. But then there’s the dregs, the random gobshite some people search for that leaves me completely mystified HOW that landed them on my blog!

So here’s to sharing the random Google search results some people have used to find some of my posts.

  • “toby carvery nutritional information”: I dunno, what’s the nutritional information for cardboard?
  • “how the canadian girls do they look like”: How the who wha?!
  • “where to place l plates on ford ka”: Right, and they should let you pass your test why?
  • “guardian journalists rubbish web copywriters”: Hah, you said it first, mate!
  • “husband corset”: *Slips her the phone number of a good marriage therapist*
  • “imovie 08 red line when trying to drag clips”: To fix this, Step 1 – Take iMovie disc out of drive, Step 2 – Put back in packaging, Step 3 – Take back to store and demand a copy of iMovie ’06.
  • “funny & nasty domain names blog”: 😦 I don’t think my blog has a nasty name *cries* I’m hurt.
  • “tablets to get into a mood of sex”: Open email. Check spam folder. There you go, plenty of “sexy mood” tablets for ya!
  • “how do you work out if a girl fancies you” & “how to make a move to make out with a girl”: Hmm how to explain you have NO hope.
  • “where can i read the latest darwin award entries?”: Uhh let’s see DarwinAwards.com?
  • “my sister-in-law nude pictures”: Dude, that’s NEVER a good idea…
  • “thong knickers banned in schools”: Excuse my ignorance, but umm, do they check every morning?
  • “canadian pillow humping”: Buahahaha wtf?
  • “smartass”: Oh, sorry, I’ll stop now.

Previous edition: Funny Google Searches: Looking Back at 2006 Edition

Funny Google Searches: "Looking Back at 2006" Edition

It’s been a long time since I published some of my favourite Google search results landing people onto my blog, so after reading Google’s own end-of-year Zeitgeist, I thought this would be a great opportunity to pick and choose some of the funniest search keywords from 2006 (since top keywords are a bit too boring in this case).

  • “airplanes games”: As long as they don’t involve saying “boom” or sharp objects
  • “quadra boob”: Fashion crime if there ever was one
  • “make up tips for chinky eyes”: Yikes, I wouldn’t quite have worded it that way myself…
  • “why dont ducks tell jokes whilst flying”: Whatever the punchline in, I bet it’s awful
  • “im fat”: Join the club!
  • “how to make a move on a girl”: If you’re counting on Google or my blog for help on this, you’re screwed, mate!
  • “girls 10-13 advice on having your own business”: A lemonade stand maybe?
  • “canadian chav pictures”: In Canada, we generally just call them white trash…
  • “i want to purchase some womens ugg boots where can i find them”: The “Ugg boots”-related searches are frighteningly high this year. It’s too late to save the world, I’m sorry.
  • “photos of people wearing ugg boots with leggings”: Urgh is it two-for-one at the Fashion Crimes Homestore?
  • “jade goody stairs in your eyes”: Ouch, watch out for splinters
  • “funny but not rude digestion songs”: Digestion song that doesn’t involve farting? Then what’s the point!?
  • “brain reading ipod”: So THAT’s what Apple is releasing next? And here we were, thinking it was going to be a new phone…
  • “6 boobed girl”: Wow, that’s got to be even more painful than quadraboobs
  • “from the 13th of december how many days until christmas”: How lazy are some people?!
  • “crap towns the nation decides croydon”: Have to agree on this one!
  • “blow up doll jason donovan”: Leaving us all with a disturbing mental picture…

Funny Google Searches – Part VII

Every few months, I like to post some of the most unusual and bizarre Google searches that have landed people on my site. It’s a good laugh so I thought I’d share it.

  • “turkey twizzlers nutritional breakdown” – 95% fat, 5% gristle, hope that helps you!
  • “how do i get rid of love handles if i m a girl without a gym” – You eat less turkey twizzlers!
  • “fat kid strikes again” – The Obese People’s Union Walks Out Over Turkey Twizzlers Ban (But Are Too Lazy to Protest)
  • “bosom exam photos” – Whatever fancy name you give your search, you’re still just looking for tits!
  • “husband corset glue wig” – Whatever your husband does behind closed doors to liven up your marriage, I don’t want to know!
  • “the most beautifull ladyboy” – See above
  • “healthiest option take away curry” – Honey, it’s curry, the only healthy option is not to eat it
  • “bovered definition” – Look at mah face…
  • “canadian girls with mobile phone number” – Not for you, mate!
  • “chipirones mail order” – Sorry but I don’t get the logistics of this one!
  • “pictures of anastacia and her dog freak” – Don’t they say owners pick their pets to their own image?
  • “andrew s high heels pages” – So that’s where my shoes went!
  • “picture of a family waiting for a school bus” – Ok this one’s just odd…

And now, this week’s challenge. You make up the comment for this last one:

  • “how to make a french canadian girl happy” – Your comment here

Funny Google Searches – Part VI

Some of the +3000 November Google searches, in keeping with my much-loved monthly (sorta) tradition! This month was a true success…

  • “pimp my girl / pimp my fiesta” – This could all go so wrong… Is it set in Essex?
  • “what are the most original but nice baby names in london” – Like Shaznee, Barry, Ceejay, etc… You Chavbabymaker.
  • “drinking age in menorca” – As soon as you’re able to hold a glass, hombre!
  • “redletter days refund” – Yes, right this way, visit http://www.when-hell-freezes-over.com for your refund. Please hold while Mrs. Elnaugh flaunts her skills (or total lack thereof) on Dragon’s Den for yet another year
  • “audrey a lovely canadian girl” – Didn’t think of asking for her phone number after that one night stand, didja?
  • “jordan lip-synching children-in-need” – What else is there to say? Glad I’m not alone thinking that
  • “do i look bovered?” – Do I? Yeah but do I look bovered??
  • “khyle westmoreland” – Oi! Hi Khyle, doing another vanity check on Google, are ya? πŸ˜‰ Same applies to you, Mr. Floyd Hayes. Don’t think I didn’t see you!
  • “girl in constipation adverts” – Please tell me it’s not because you find her hot in that advert!
  • “is it going to snow on friday 25th november” – The stuff you get in England isn’t snow, it’s just that the sky’s got dandruff.
  • “lessons on being disappointed” – Lesson is, don’t do business with Red Letter Days
  • “getting disconnected from ntl” – You gotta be kidding. It doesn’t work that way. NTL is like Royston Vasey, once you get in, you just won’t leave!
  • “red letter days marketing mix failure” – Could we be talking about Rachel Elnaugh again!? (Yes I’ve got a gripe with her)
  • “what would be a healthy three course meal and explain why it is healthy in uk” – Fish and chips. Yes, I tell you it’s healthy! Only healthy in the UK though. It’s only 150cals I swear! (Stupid thicko)
  • “i want to look a photo at guys disguised as the girl” – You… have umm… problems… you know that, right?

Funny Google Searches – Part V

We’re only halfway through October and it’s already raining with fantastic stupid Google searches!

The stats package I’m using behind the scenes is AwStats, a free open-source log file analyser.

  • “strippers croydon lunchtime” – Everything about this search is so seedy, why oh why???
  • “marde menorca hotel” – This may only be funny to French speaking people, but *giggles* marde hihihi
  • “jordan chavette” shortly followed by “subwoofer disguised as a nos tank” – This search must’ve been made by an Essex boy, about two things close to his Barry heart.
  • “what to do on a rainy day with a girl?” – Well, you can string pink popcorn to make necklaces or play Barbies. That’s all girls do on rainy days, isn’t it?
  • “what would the circus want with a plumber explanation” – Aww bless, someone didn’t get the joke (see here for joke)
  • “dogging chav” followed by “ahhh my eyes” – Yep, my thoughts too
  • “england drinking laws” – The Law: Drink as much as you can, drink as often as you can, and definitely drink at lunchtime on Fridays
  • “rachel elnaugh bust” – Ok, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and assume you’re not looking for pictures of Rachel’s bust, but rather information on her company going bust. At least, that’s what I’m praying for.
  • “nag annoy angry ringtone phone download” – Or how to be hated by your coworkers in one easy step
  • “google earth zoom at girls” – Sorry chappie! Google Earth doesn’t let you zoom in THAT closely yet!
  • “carol vordeman facelift?” – It wasn’t just a *face* lift, honey.

Funny Google Searches – Part IV

Here are the shortlisted amusing comments I’ve found in recent Google searches.

  • “where do totem poles come from” Well it all starts when the daddy totem pole and the mommy totem pole get together and…
  • “toby carvery menu at harlow” For starters: pure crap, for mains: pure crap, for pudding: crap with ice cream
  • “can i own a car in canada and live in the uk” Go right ahead, but it won’t be much use to you, will it?!
  • “live 8 dido out of tune” Couldn’t agree more on that one…
  • “this girl is the most beautiful in ottawa by far” Well darn, that’s very flattering
  • “the most beautiful canadian girl” Geez, you guys are making me blush!
  • “large bosom exam cheat” Does it involve hiding a textbook in her cleavage?

More Funny Google Searches

I love doing this… scrolling through the searches that landed people on my site recently…

Some highlights so far in April:

  • “if i get married to a canadian im i automatic canadian” Not if you write like that, you’re not!
  • “deterioration of the english language” Umm see above?
  • “my dyson keeps turning off” Sorry to hear that… Ever thought of calling the store you bought it from??
  • “how fast is my broadband connection?” Wait wait, let me look at you and make a guess… hmm if it’s as slow as you are…
  • “lisa simpson x rated pictures” Anyone else finding this a bit weird and twisted??
  • “when snow get togethers they produce snowflakes” Good lord, it’s the follow-up from last time
  • “st-hubert sauce poutine ingredient” It’s pure heaven baby, pure heaven!
  • “1967 to 2005 how old would a person be” About the same as your IQ, mate…

It doesn’t get any better, I swear! But I must get to sleep now… and dream of a huge Darwinist event that causes all the idiots to annihilate themselves! (Though they ARE quite entertaining… in their own stupid ways)

Funny Google Searches

So far in March, these are some of the amusing searches that have landed people on my website:

* “turkey twizzlers” (because of the show Jamie’s School Dinners of course)
* “picture of testicle in egg cup” Some people are twisted…
* Many variations using the words, “nipple”, “Javine” and “Eurovision”
* “give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach” I’m offended! I’m not ready to give up yet!!
* “email contacts of bread in canada 2005” Wow I knew email was popular, but even bread has email now?
* “what are snowflakes?” Wow how thick are YOU?!
* “the door is alarmed. how do you think i feel?” What? You think I care??
* One of the repeated entries that I get every month and makes me laugh to tears “Anastacia is a man” Good to see I’m not the only one suspecting this!!!

I’ve got some more good ones, but that’ll do for now πŸ™‚

The Letter in the Pond

Recently, a friend of ours, Simon, moved to Over, just North of Cambridge, UK. He was moving to a lovely property, with a nice garden and a pond.

Simon wasn’t so keen on the pond though. It’s not very child friendly, and with two young ones running around the garden, he thought it would be safer to get rid of it.

A few buckets and hours of sweating later, Simon lifted the pond lining to discover a laminated piece of paper sitting at the bottom of the gaping hole that once was the previous owner’s pond.

Go to Flickr for the larger image

The letter in the pond

Whoever created this, come forward. You’re weird and you’re funny. And you’re creeping the hell out of us! πŸ˜‰

Thanks to those who linked in to this post:

Update: For those who don’t want to read the image, here’s the full text. I waited for someone else to type it up, since I couldn’t be bothered – I think they call that crowdsourcing? πŸ˜‰

10th July 2003

To whom it may concern:

If you are reading this then I can only assume that you have removed the pond under which this note was buried.

Of course, as I am not around at the moment, I am not in a position to comment on why you may have chosen to remove the pond and, it is fair to say, that there could be any number of reasons for doing so. I will not try to list those potential reasons right now but there could be quite a lot of them. One of the more bizarre reasons could be that the removal of the pond was the direct result of a bite on the ankle from a Wildebeest, but I shall not speculate.

Anyways, I would like you to be aware that the digging of this pond and it’s subsequent filling with water and stocking with fish and aquatic plants took a considerable amount of personal effort. It’s not just the digging of the hole you know (although clearly that is a major part), but also the consideration that had to be given to the sitting of the pond, its shape and size, its location close to a convenient electrical supply, etc etc etc.

I have to admit that I am a bit miffed about all this. You have just destroyed (yes, I know its a strong word to use but there are principles involved here) something that took me a long time to do. If I came along and destroyed something that it had taken a long time for you to do then I think you would be a bit miffed as well, so just think on that.

Enough of this. Just get on with what it is you think you are doing, you snivelling pond destroyer.

Oh, and by the way, I hope your head falls off.

More funny stuff on That Canadian Girl:

What top 10 keywords give you blog traffic?

Last week, I suggested on The Blog Medic that finding out what were the top keywords leading readers to your blog could give some very interesting results. Some of us probably look at our stats daily (ahem, hourly?) but I’d be curious to see what your top 10 is, if you’re willing to share it!

Here’s my top 10 keywords list

  1. canadian girls
  2. baxi boilers
  3. i can sing a rainbow
  4. pouding chomeur
  5. japanese makeup
  6. cracked macbook
  7. funny google searches
  8. postsecret archive
  9. virtual barbershop
  10. canadian

Now I can’t believe I come up as the 4th result for “Canadian” in Google – when searching from a UK IP address, granted – but still!

So, go on, little Friday afternoon meme. What are your top 10 search terms?