The Chav Nativity

To go with the seasonal spirit and all that… That Canadian Girl proudly presents: The Chav Nativity. Best read by an Essex girl.

There’s this bird called Mary, yeah? She’s a virgin (wossat then?) She’s not married or nuffink, but she’s got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an’ that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref. One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She’s like `Oo ya lookin at?’ Gabriel just goes ‘You got one up the duff, you have.’ Mary’s totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large ‘Stop dissin’ me yeah? I ain’t no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!’

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who’s six months gone herself. Liz is largin’ it. She’s filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an’ that. She’s like ‘Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I’m well blessed. Think of all the extra weez gonna get on the social an’ that.’ Mary goes ‘Yeah, s’pose you’re right’ Mary an’ Joe ain’t got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an’ go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an’ Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an’ that. But there ain’t no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an’ Joe break an’ enter into this garridge, only it’s filled wiv animals. Cahs an’ sheep an’ that. Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their ‘eads.

They’re like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus’, an’ say they’re wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: ‘If you’re so wise, wotchoo doin’ wiv this Frankenstein an’ myrrh?

Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?’ It’s all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an’ sez he’s got another message from this Lord geezer. He’s like ‘The police is comin an’ they’re killin all the bay-bees.

You better nash off to Egypt.’ Joe goes ‘You must be monged if you think I’m goin’ dahn Egypt on a minging donkey’ Gabriel sez ‘Suit yerself, pal. But it’s your look out if you stay.’ So they go dahn Egypt till they’ve stopped killin the first-born an’ it’s safe an’ that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an’ Jesus turns water into Stella.

(found on Mikey’s blog, after reading at a friend’s house. Unsure of author, likely to be Vicky Pollard.)

11 thoughts on “The Chav Nativity

  1. Francine

    Véro, GrMaman qui vient juste de me dire qu,elle a de la difficulté à comprendre ton anglais. Elle ne comprendra sûrement pas ce texte-là…

  2. sophie

    it was so funny the first time i heared it wass in a mass at school near last christmas and i only got reminded about it when i got sent a chav wedding. it’s so funny
    who ever thorght of it has a hell of an imagination

  3. brad

    i no the guy who wrote this cuz hes my best friend and hes only 15. hes from birmingham england and is thinking of writing more stories in chav so look out but i dont think hes puttin them on the internet instead hes trying to publish them. iv seen him perform this piece and it is absolutley class with the accent. this story actually carries on a bit more instead of ending where it does. if you want to contact him email me and i will talk to him for you my email is

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